TW for eating disorders, calorie restriction, extreme exercise etc.
So i’ve spoken on and off about my past with disordered eating before but never done a full post about it, well since i’m finally posting more about this stuff and im finally fully happy with myself I think its time!
So in 2012, I hit rock bottom with my mental health and started self harming. In march of 2013 i decided to start losing weight. It started off somewhat ‘normal’, eating around 1800 cals a day (which btw isnt actually normal for my height, weight and metabolism), and walking to and from school, with some squats and stuff at home. I began to lose some weight, but not enough for me. I then kept lowering my calories, and it got to being 500-1000 per day. I still have the stats on ‘myfitnesspal’ 😞. I would eat a small slice of toast with banana and honey on for breakfast (i was vegetarian), then plain cooked quorn pieces for lunch and a small pot of cucumber/tomatoes. dinner would be a tiny portion of tomato pasta, and sometimes id have a small scoop of low fat frozen yoghurt with a meringue for dessert. i had no snacks or anything. I also stepped up the exercising. I was ‘burning’ around 700 calories per day via walking, squatting, sit ups and jumping jacks, along with ‘just dance’ on the wii. i remember one time i did 200 squats in a row and almost fell down the stairs. This was at a time when thigh gaps and hip bones were THE most important thing ever.
I lost 4 stone in 3 months from this. One of those stones was lost in a single week of starvation mode. I was praised for this. My parents, my friends, my teachers, my doctors, they all praised me for this rapid weight loss. I even remember specifically sitting at the lunch table with my friends telling me how slim my face looked. I fed off of these compliments, and kept going. Restricted harder, worked out harder.
The photos of me on the left were at my lowest weight. Now I was never the typical image of anorexia, cause im naturally a large person, but i felt awful. when those photos were taken of me i cried at how fat i looked, even though i had a huge thigh gap, my hip bones, ribs and collarbones stuck out, and boys suddenly desired me. None of this mattered. I was not thin enough. I felt tired all of the time and completely drained. i got excited when i felt hungry. hunger meant weight loss to me. i would refrain from eating as long as possible so that the hunger made me thinner.
It got to a point where because i had a good social life, weight loss kind of went to the back of my mind, although id binge one day, starve the next just out of pure routine. eventually i began to put on weight, very slowly but surely. the whole time trying different diets to try and lose it, none of them worked. not even my 500 calorie diet.
it was in 2014 i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. the mix of my ruined metabolism and hypothyroidism was why i wasnt losing weight anymore. this sent me into a spiral of horrific mental health. from 2014-2017 i was constantly trying to lose weight in so many different ways. It was between these years i discovered body positive accounts on instagram, and saw the multiple buzzfeed videos about it. i saw people my size and bigger happy with their bodies, posting photos of it on instagram, i was so shocked that you were ALLOWED to be fat and happy. it was people like bodyposipanda and tess holliday that i first saw. i remember making my first #donthatetheshake. this was the beginning for me. i started posting photos of myself to instagram, although i was still trying to look thinner, i was still posting my fat body, it was a huuuge step.
When i met my partner in 2016, he began to make me see that i am so much more than the way i look. he wouldnt just say ‘you are beautiful’, he would compliment me on my brain. he told me how i made him happy, how he loved that i cared about things. it was at this point, for the first time in my life, i stopped trying to lose weight. even through being fake ‘body positive’ online, i was still trying to lose weight, but this was it. i realised my body is a part of me, and it wants to be big. it feels and looks great big. but although my body is a big part of me, its not all of me. i have so much substance, i have so much to give.
so the past year has been a big journey of ‘fuck diets’ and ‘LOOK AT ALL MY FAT’. And its been amazing. this was the first new year i havent gone on a diet. i eat what i want when i want (except wheat cause of fecking IBS), and i do not allow myself to feel guilty. and ill tell you what: i feel healthier than ever, even WITH my chronic illnesses. the added stress of ‘im going to put on weight’ made my mental and physical health suffer years ago, but now, i focus on me, not my body!
its been a long arse journey but im fucking here. i am truly happy in myself. i no longer even look at calories, i dont make my body look like something its not.
AND YES, IVE PUT ON SEVEN STONE IN 3 YEARS. AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK.
Diet culture and those who endorse it can kiss my big fat, 19 stone, size 18/20 arse.